Jag har faktiskt sett American Battleship, mest för att Asylum verkar göra sådana roliga, fåniga ripoffs hela tiden; så jag bestämde mig och för att skriva ner mina (större) reaktioner:
I just watched American Battleship:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Battleship
Tought I would post my reactions on it, as I saw the movie just for entertainment value.
Remember, its the Asylum, so you know what to expect...
00:10 Helllooooo Stock Foootage!!!!
02:06 All this stock footage actually adds to the Movie. In short, it fits...
02:14 ...but it also makes it blatantly clear when there is no Stock Footage. What is that, a Flight Control Officer in a Warehouse?
02:38 Video shows airplane pointing down, but in cockpit view, its heading straight ahead.
03:04 Attack of the CGI in Stock Footage. That could be a movie of its own. What did they use to add the missiles, Iphone app?
03:14 She got lightly hit in the bow, and now she is sinking with fires all over?
03:24 A black dude with a ARMY Collage Sweater. I bet he will introduce himself as a naval officer.
04:27 Final voyage of the Iowa, eh?
05:03 They are turning it into a Museum DURING THE ACTUAL LAST VOYAGE? Including schoolkids who tape information signs on guns.
05:12 Introducing mandatory female officer.
05:22 "Ladies first". Not according to Officer etiquette, they aint...
05:23 Oh, I get it. He wanted to have a look at her ass. And obviously we got to see it too.
05:28 "My god the navys changed." I can see why you never had a Command for 40 years...
05:49 The museum girls are going to put the Iowa back into WW2 Configuration BEFORE THEY ARRIVE AT THE MUSEUM HARBOUR???
Do they even know how many refits the Iowa been trought?
05:54 "If you see anything designed after 1945, rip it out!" Like radar, tomahawks, assault rifles, anything that can be used against the big bad? And again, all this
by three girls.
06:23 The Admiral salutes a Mechanic, who - obviously is very suprised - and returns it.
08:11 You can guess how fake the fires look. They built a nice little model, then set fire to it. Poor model.
08:28 Its "CINCPAC", not "COMPAC".
09:36 Marines whine about babysitting a floating museum. This is a fair point, it is earlier stated that "The navy is not paying for any of this". So why are they on board in the first place?
11:06 The first case of the captain bothering about Naval Discipline and its aimed towards the girl.
11:28 The Marines are SEALS? Honestly? Navy Seals on board a museum cruise? Marines was hard enough to motivate, but an elite team of commandos? What the hell, movie?
11:38 The admiral seems to have some sense, claiming the ship is in no shape for combat "or anything else."
11:51 You departed from US Shore to wherever you are going, probably also on US Shore. And you crossed the pacific in what? Five minutes?
12:01 Enter one of the weapon systems the three girls was to have ripped out, the Phalanx missile defence.
12:25 Target identified as NK SSSN, despite the obvious use of a cloaking device. Or just bad CGi.
12:26 Enter the Harpoons, another thing the three girls had orders to rip apart and throw overboard. Glad they was unable to do that, eh?
12:32 Admiral claims the vessel cannot fire upon the North Koreans; despite the sub just having fired on THEM. The concept of Ship Self-Defence seems to be wildly disregarded by the Admiral. Maybe he needs new glasses, the ones he have are horrible.
12:37 Did they rip that firing sequence from Janes Fleet Command?
13:14 "Do you mean to tell me the Chinese have developed a cloaking device?"
13:24 You was ordered to Battlestations, and yet to have to run to the turret?
14:39 Hey, the museum girl is actually useful, when the ship got hit by EMP. But... "Voice powered telephone?"
Googled it. Actually exists. Bonus point, movie. bonus point.
15:17 They will have to fight this one WW2 style? My, my you actually piqued my interest, Movie!
15:27 Admiral belays a Captains Order. He is not allowed to do that.
17:01 The weapon fire CGI is absolutely horrible.
17:09 Apparently the South Koreans have purchased the US Navys old A-6E Intruders...
17:34 South Korean F-16s are searching for the enemy. Enemy fires on them, instead of just using the ECM they used on every other opponent so far.
17:38 The F-16s just evolved into F-18s... Or the movie creators are just lazy.
17:43 ...and now into F-15s...
17:50 ...and now back to F-16s
18:00 ...and back into F-15s...
18:03 ...and back into F-16s...
18:04 Splash one Transformer.
19:27 Most video games made in the 2000s have better CGI then this...
23:09 So the EMP pretty much only affects things built after 1945?
24:31 I ought to hire this movies Secretary of Defence to comment this movie with me.
28:23 Hollywood Speech. As expected.
29:17 The Intelligence Specialist have been on board and seen what you seen. Why do you think she knows more?
30:07 She mentions NOW there are video recordings of it all, activated by general quarters? Oh well, EMP happened so...
30:17 Oh, they actually thought of that. Iowa carrying VHS.
30:48 If you do that again, I will have to call Harmon Rabb Jr to investigate a breach of the UCMJ.
30:59 Thats it, Call JAG. Obvious "Conduct unbecoming". Two counts.
31:51 Seal team deployed. Please tell me EMP disables M4A1s as well, so they have to use M1 Garands...
37:17 Seal Team have boarded. Seems like they entered the Alien Queens lair.
38:25 Alien Sound of DOOOOOM!
38:28 Mix the Independence Day Aliens with a Facehugger, and make it levitate. And you got this movies villains.
38:36 ... and they spit fire.
38:41 The Alien fire from cover? That is actually brilliant.
40:05 If I want to see female buttocks, I do not watch American Battleship, I watch something else. Please understand that, movie.
41:46 They are reading an alien map.
41:56 The Death Animation was fucking hilarious !
42:22 Unimportant Seal member is incinerated by weapon. Important is just singed.
42:47 Worst. Crash. Animation. Ever.
43:28 The Aliens command screens looks very human-like.
44:05 You mean to tell me you did not bring any grenades?
46:34 The VHS Tape looks like an Ihpone Game.
48:39 How can the Iowa launch countermeasures? They are electronic.
48:52 They shot down Alien Missiles with Bofors guns? This is so bad its good!
49:38 Where the hell did that wooden platform come from?
49:47 Another count of "Conduct Unbecoming".
52:25 That looks honestly like a cheap CYMA Shotgun.
53:19 Okey, the Alien plot in this movie is actually pretty damn convincing, not to mention smart.
54:27 The Iowa have been chasing the Aliens for all this time, and yet have only fired four warheads at it, despite having been boarded by the ship. Not just attacked - BOARDED.
54:56 Looks like I spoke too soon. Random shooting from the Iowa 5inch guns spooked Aliens, made them fire on Iowa.
55:06: The CGI in this movie just reached a new low.
55:56: Secretary of Defence orders Iowa to capture Alien Ship. There may be three problems with this.
56:12 Oh, this is hilariously epic fucking win. They have scrambled the Mothball Fleet who lack electronics alongside planes from Airshows.
56:14 The Captain who reported Aliens now looks like he things SECDEF is a complete nutter.
57:16 Is that Barnacles on the Zodiacs?
57:28 Alien Ships actually have weapons to repel boarders. If they only could hit something...
58:34 So in total, there was three groups of SEALs on the ship. For a museum cruise?
58:52 And when you believe the CGI could not get worse...
1 Hour and the Captain now - just now - discovers the Iowas main ordinance. Are you fucking kidding me?
Especially as the Iowa fired them JUST TWO MINUTES AGO!!!
1:01:02 "Sir, those guns have not been fired for twenty years. There are not even shells for them anymore". They where fired four minutes ago.
1.01:29 "Are there 6inch shells aboard my ship?" YOU FIRED THE GUNS FIVE MINUTES AGO!
1.01:38 "Prepare to fire the big guns." You know what I am going to say, why repeat it?
1.02:48: "Lets not blow ourselves up before the Klingons do." Well, you have fired the guns before, so you should be able to handle the shells handsomely.
1.02:57 They suspect Lead-lines suits will work against the Alien energy weapons. This could be interesting.
1.03:14 They are unlocking the gun turret. Once again... YOU FIRED THE GUNS ALREADY! YOU DESTROYED AN ENEMY DRONE WITH THEM!
1.04:16 I smell another "Conduct Unbecoming" moment. Aka Love Scene.
1.04:41 The Captain proposes. Makes it sound like an order, using the girls RANK. Her RANK. Conduct Unbecoming all over this, both Unbecoming an Officer and a Gentleman.
1.06:39 A-6 Texans just arrived. You know, you could have used pretty much anything that is not Fly-By-Wire. F-4 Phantoms would have worked.
1.07:06 Here comes a C-130. Dropping bombs. Not from Cargo Bay, but from a Bomb Bay. Do I have to make fun of this?
1.07:45 If you are going to show a prop plane getting hit my a missile, do not show a Su-26 preforming an Airshow stunt.
1.08:55 Entire support force got sunk. I wonder why the Aliens never did that to the Iowa. Super Hero Armor obviously.
1.09:13: "You are not going to sink my battleship". Epic line.
1.09:44 Now Bitch fight over the Museum Lady and the Navy Intelligence Officer helping to move Shells to the Guns.
1:11:46 Museum lady got herself killed by exploding Gun.
1.12.21 Captain saved Navy Int Off from Hot Shrapnel. They are snogging as Combat ensues around them. First Officer and Damage Control Team walks in on them.
1.14:03 Suits did not deflect Alien weapons. Big suprise.
1.15:07 Despite one of the main guns having been destroyed earlier, both are now showed intact and firing.
1.15:22 Now the No2 Gun is shown as destroyed.
1.17:15 Alien Ship Transforms into Space Ship, right after Chinese Bombers overflew Iowa and President says "Chinese will not be easy to convince."
1.18:02 "Its somewhat radioactive". Everybody takes two steps back.
1.18:31 Oh, its alive. Big suprise.
1.18:45 Earlier, 5.56 rounds had an issue penetrating. Now, a 9mm pistol round makes a hole like a grenade...
1.19:50 The Captain is addressed "Mister". The Intelligence Officer "Lietenant Commander". This is one year later, so no idea if he got fired or retired.
1.20:39 Oh, the Museum lady survived. Survived an exploding gun. With only a facial scar...
1.21:17 Museum Lady wonders if Alien sent distress signals before being destroyed. We can have Sequels. Buttloads of Sequels!
1.22.01 Movie over. They list the amount of measures Congress have decreed necessary so that Iowa can be mobilized again if need be.
